Yep, I yell at my kids, too... (Revamped)

Original Post: December 15, 2011
Updated: January 16, 2013

This post is inspired by something I posted on Facebook the other day and received a huge response to:

"I hate reading parenting articles about how to manage mommy anger. They make me feel inadequate. I want an article that says, 'Yes, I have yelled at my kids... like REALLY yelled at my kids - here's how to stop doing THAT.' ...Not, 'Hey, this one time, I kinda sorta raised my voice a little at my kids and, gee wiz, I sure feel guilty! Next time I think I will do something unrealistic that most moms have neither the patience or time to do, to resolve my 'anger' issues. Like go have coffee with a girl friend.' ...If these people can just go galavanting around having coffee with a girlfriend any time they like then they have no right to yell at anyone. :P"

I cringed after I hit "post", thinking of how awful people might think I am that I yell, not just raise my voice from time to time, at my kids. The responses were surprising, though... Everything from people's own confessions to people offering sympathy and encouragement. Apparently, it struck a chord!

So, I'm here to tell you... Yes, I yell at my kids. Like, REALLY yell sometimes. Some weeks it's every day. Some weeks it's just a couple of times a week. Some days there is a LOT of yelling going on in my house! Sometimes, I say things I wish I hadn't and then I feel horribly guilty. I do. You know why? I'm human. ...And, because I love my kids. I love them enough that I worry that they will grow up acting like spoiled brats instead of the compassionate, loving people I know they are. I love them enough to want them to know the line between right and wrong and to respect other people. I love them enough that, sometimes, I expect too much from them I and become frustrated by those unmet expectations. Sometimes, I'm just tired and grumpy and they really know how to push my buttons (and each other's). 

I don't set out intending to yell. I would rather handle each situation calmly and with patience and compassion but, it happens. After I yell, I talk to them and explain how everyone has limits and I shouldn't have yelled but sometimes it happens ...and I apologize. I also try to warn them before, if they are doing something that is making me angry, that I'm about to lose my temper. 

There are plenty of loving, hugging, snuggling, happy moments, too! I make sure to fill the house with those moments, even on bad days. We dance and eat ice cream when we're supposed to be eating dinner (or breakfast). We bake cookies and make crafts. We sing and play hide n' seek and go on dragon hunts. We do those things every day, and I tell my kids I love them all day, every day, every time I think to tell them.

The worst thing about yelling and throwing mommy tantrums and losing control? They learn to yell, throw tantrums and think it's okay to lose control and they will probably do the same to their children. Children learn by example and I haven't been a very good one. So, I've been working on it... a lot. Before I yell, or when I feel like I'm losing my patience, I've started asking myself, "Is what they are doing really worth yelling over?" If Kai is singing a bit too loudly and Reef is running around in circles while I'm on the phone, is it really that big of a deal? Nope. If I've asked one of them to do something a gajillion times and they are still not complying, does yelling help anything? Nope. If Reef is hitting and screaming, does yelling teach him not to do those things? You can guess the answer.

In the end, when my kids grow up, I believe they will grow up knowing that everyone has limits. That everyone feels happy, sad, angry, frustrated... and we all have a right to those feelings. Hopefully they will also learn to pause and consider their actions beforehand and to nurture the seeds of love and kindness within themselves, rather than the seeds of anger.

Each morning, I will wake up with a new resolve and determination to practice patience, love more and yell less.