Yesterday, I posted a link to this article on my personal Facebook page: http://thestir.cafemom.com/toddler/115208/stop_being_mean_to_your... with my own comment, "This is a great article... however, I'd like to know the author's advice for when your toddler spits in your lunch out of spite after you've asked her not to spit."
It received a lot of heated feedback! Most surprisingly from people disagreeing with the article, which basically urges parents to stop saying "no" (it implies it's disrespectful) and to consider what reason a toddler has for doing something, like pulling all of the scotch tape out of a tape dispenser, and try to think of a more patient approach that respects the toddler's developmental stage and person.
I have to admit that, while I agree with the article, this is difficult to do. Especially for someone like me, who is out of practice. I say "No" almost involuntarily multiple times per day... I even say it in response to noises before I know exactly what is causing them and occasionally retract it with a, "Oh, never mind... go ahead."
However, I do think the author has a point. Imagine you have started a new job that you know very little about. You're trying to navigate your new position with very little information, most of it sensory, as you have received very little prior instruction and have little to no experience. It's up to trial and error whether or not you make a mistake. When you do, someone you are supposed to trust yells, "NO!" at you every time, as if you're some half-wit for not knowing better. How would you feel? Wouldn't you rather that person patiently say to you, "That's not the right way to do that, here... let me show you."?
I'm not suggesting you just let your kid get away with anything, nor do I think that was the message the author was trying to convey. I think the point is to try and consider your child's developmental stage and why she might be doing whatever it is she's doing and approach it from that angle. Get down on her level, gently take the tape away and kindly tell her, "This is not to play with," and maybe offer another toy, or the tape that was already pulled out of the dispenser, as the author suggests. Treat her with the same respect you would want afforded to you.
As a mother of a 3-year-old diva who has not always disciplined in a patient or respectful way, I can tell you that lack of respect not only comes back to you (and at the worst possible times) but it also comes out at other people and their children. At least in my experience. I hear my very own words coming out of her tiny mouth with the exact same tone and connotation in which I uttered them. Children do tend to learn what they live, as the saying goes.
Now, if your toddler spits in your lunch, I will not judge you if you yell! Although, that might come back to the whole "if you give respect, you'll get it in return" thing.
It received a lot of heated feedback! Most surprisingly from people disagreeing with the article, which basically urges parents to stop saying "no" (it implies it's disrespectful) and to consider what reason a toddler has for doing something, like pulling all of the scotch tape out of a tape dispenser, and try to think of a more patient approach that respects the toddler's developmental stage and person.
I have to admit that, while I agree with the article, this is difficult to do. Especially for someone like me, who is out of practice. I say "No" almost involuntarily multiple times per day... I even say it in response to noises before I know exactly what is causing them and occasionally retract it with a, "Oh, never mind... go ahead."
However, I do think the author has a point. Imagine you have started a new job that you know very little about. You're trying to navigate your new position with very little information, most of it sensory, as you have received very little prior instruction and have little to no experience. It's up to trial and error whether or not you make a mistake. When you do, someone you are supposed to trust yells, "NO!" at you every time, as if you're some half-wit for not knowing better. How would you feel? Wouldn't you rather that person patiently say to you, "That's not the right way to do that, here... let me show you."?
I'm not suggesting you just let your kid get away with anything, nor do I think that was the message the author was trying to convey. I think the point is to try and consider your child's developmental stage and why she might be doing whatever it is she's doing and approach it from that angle. Get down on her level, gently take the tape away and kindly tell her, "This is not to play with," and maybe offer another toy, or the tape that was already pulled out of the dispenser, as the author suggests. Treat her with the same respect you would want afforded to you.
As a mother of a 3-year-old diva who has not always disciplined in a patient or respectful way, I can tell you that lack of respect not only comes back to you (and at the worst possible times) but it also comes out at other people and their children. At least in my experience. I hear my very own words coming out of her tiny mouth with the exact same tone and connotation in which I uttered them. Children do tend to learn what they live, as the saying goes.
Now, if your toddler spits in your lunch, I will not judge you if you yell! Although, that might come back to the whole "if you give respect, you'll get it in return" thing.
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