I just want to take a moment to be honest, here, as a mother of two small children. I want to take a moment to say that I have made mistakes, I don't always parent the way I'd like to and I lose my patience on a daily basis.
I want to put this out there for all the mommies (or daddies) who have done the same but feel like they don't measure up. For all the mommies stuck not enjoying motherhood as much as they should because they measure themselves against impossible expectations. I'm with you!
Motherhood... PARENTHOOD, is hard. And all those parenting books just make you feel worse. By parenting books, I mean the ones that boast some magical cure to make your child "behave". They make you think that the people who write them don't ever lose their patience. They are perfect parents. We should be like them!
The truth is, those people have help. Do you really think they could write a book while chasing after a two year old, or meeting the demanding needs of an infant without help, be it hired or otherwise? No. (It took me two days just to write this!) Second, those methods of discipline are all fine and well if your child responds and/or if you haven't been pushed to your personal limit, but what if that isn't the case? Also, all those parenting books focus on methods to APPLY to your child... but let's analyze the real issue here: Children will act age appropriate. An infant will cry. A 1 year old will get into everything. A 2 year old will push her limits. A 3 year old will be defiant. This is part of their natural development. We can't change that. We can address it, but it's awfully difficult to think clearly enough to apply a studied method of discipline when you are chasing a child that has just broken free from your grasp and is headed toward a busy street.
Let's look at what we CAN change: our expectations. A child is not always going to do what you want, need or tell them to. Don't expect otherwise. And, you will not always respond with compassion and patience when said expectations aren't met. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's amazing what changing your expectations can do.
We need to forgive ourselves. You love your child. You do the best you can. Sometimes you are going to fall short of perfection (i.e.: your own expectations). I am less than perfect on a daily basis. In fact, I'm no where near it!
When your 3 year old is stomping her foot defiantly and telling you, "NO!" or she won't stay in time out or bend to redirection, give yourself a time out. Go in a room, close the door and read a book for a few minutes. Take a break and remember... this is age appropriate. Yes, she will scream outside the door, bang on it, even try to open it. But, you can come out calmly and deal with the situation with a clear head, vs. losing your temper and yelling. Chances are, your child will be easier to deal with afterward, too.
I've found a lot of my patience is lost when I'm busy NOT paying attention to my kids. When I'm on the phone, the computer or cleaning the house... or otherwise lost in thought and not focussed on my children. I've started trying to pause when I feel a reprimand coming on and asking myself, "Does this behavior really need to be corrected?" In most cases, no. More often than not it's just that my daughter is singing loudly enough to distract me from my thoughts, or jumping up and down squealing, or making a mess that can easily be cleaned up but, she's busy entertaining herself. As long as the behavior isn't inappropriate or harmful, it really doesn't NEED to be corrected. It may be distracting but, aren't these moments fleeting? Shouldn't they be savored?
Another situation I find to be problematic in our household is the 2 vs. 1 scenario. I'll be taking care of one child's needs and it never fails... it's that moment that my other child suddenly has a need that must be met in that instant, as well. I'll be nursing my 1 year old and my 3 year old has to poop. She's potty trained but she still needs help. I'll be changing my 3 year old's pants after she didn't make it to the potty in time, and my 1 year old will be getting into something. It's exasperating and exhausting to be pulled in different directions 24/7.
I DO find myself reprimanding in these situations quite frequently. When my daughter pushes her limits and is deliberately defiant, I don't always take a time out. Sometimes I throw a tantrum right back. But, then I realize that is exactly the kind of behavior I DON'T want my children to exemplify... yet, everything I do is setting the example. It doesn't matter what I SAY, it's what I DO. Children learn what they live.
Again, forgiveness.
I think the trick is to try and stay mindful of our own actions... and mindful of theirs. Understand that they are acting age-appropriate and give yourself, and them, a break now and then.
And don't read parenting books.
I want to put this out there for all the mommies (or daddies) who have done the same but feel like they don't measure up. For all the mommies stuck not enjoying motherhood as much as they should because they measure themselves against impossible expectations. I'm with you!
Motherhood... PARENTHOOD, is hard. And all those parenting books just make you feel worse. By parenting books, I mean the ones that boast some magical cure to make your child "behave". They make you think that the people who write them don't ever lose their patience. They are perfect parents. We should be like them!
The truth is, those people have help. Do you really think they could write a book while chasing after a two year old, or meeting the demanding needs of an infant without help, be it hired or otherwise? No. (It took me two days just to write this!) Second, those methods of discipline are all fine and well if your child responds and/or if you haven't been pushed to your personal limit, but what if that isn't the case? Also, all those parenting books focus on methods to APPLY to your child... but let's analyze the real issue here: Children will act age appropriate. An infant will cry. A 1 year old will get into everything. A 2 year old will push her limits. A 3 year old will be defiant. This is part of their natural development. We can't change that. We can address it, but it's awfully difficult to think clearly enough to apply a studied method of discipline when you are chasing a child that has just broken free from your grasp and is headed toward a busy street.
Let's look at what we CAN change: our expectations. A child is not always going to do what you want, need or tell them to. Don't expect otherwise. And, you will not always respond with compassion and patience when said expectations aren't met. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's amazing what changing your expectations can do.
We need to forgive ourselves. You love your child. You do the best you can. Sometimes you are going to fall short of perfection (i.e.: your own expectations). I am less than perfect on a daily basis. In fact, I'm no where near it!
When your 3 year old is stomping her foot defiantly and telling you, "NO!" or she won't stay in time out or bend to redirection, give yourself a time out. Go in a room, close the door and read a book for a few minutes. Take a break and remember... this is age appropriate. Yes, she will scream outside the door, bang on it, even try to open it. But, you can come out calmly and deal with the situation with a clear head, vs. losing your temper and yelling. Chances are, your child will be easier to deal with afterward, too.
I've found a lot of my patience is lost when I'm busy NOT paying attention to my kids. When I'm on the phone, the computer or cleaning the house... or otherwise lost in thought and not focussed on my children. I've started trying to pause when I feel a reprimand coming on and asking myself, "Does this behavior really need to be corrected?" In most cases, no. More often than not it's just that my daughter is singing loudly enough to distract me from my thoughts, or jumping up and down squealing, or making a mess that can easily be cleaned up but, she's busy entertaining herself. As long as the behavior isn't inappropriate or harmful, it really doesn't NEED to be corrected. It may be distracting but, aren't these moments fleeting? Shouldn't they be savored?
Another situation I find to be problematic in our household is the 2 vs. 1 scenario. I'll be taking care of one child's needs and it never fails... it's that moment that my other child suddenly has a need that must be met in that instant, as well. I'll be nursing my 1 year old and my 3 year old has to poop. She's potty trained but she still needs help. I'll be changing my 3 year old's pants after she didn't make it to the potty in time, and my 1 year old will be getting into something. It's exasperating and exhausting to be pulled in different directions 24/7.
I DO find myself reprimanding in these situations quite frequently. When my daughter pushes her limits and is deliberately defiant, I don't always take a time out. Sometimes I throw a tantrum right back. But, then I realize that is exactly the kind of behavior I DON'T want my children to exemplify... yet, everything I do is setting the example. It doesn't matter what I SAY, it's what I DO. Children learn what they live.
Again, forgiveness.
I think the trick is to try and stay mindful of our own actions... and mindful of theirs. Understand that they are acting age-appropriate and give yourself, and them, a break now and then.
And don't read parenting books.
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