I struggle. Today, I yelled at my daughter over her home school lesson. She cried. I felt terrible.
The truth is, I yell a lot. Some days I feel like that is all I do. In fact, I think my kids are so desensitized to the sound of my voice that they just don't hear me unless I project my voice and sound angry most of the time. Never mind the ten times I sweetly said "please" before it escalated to that point.
The other side of this awful truth is how overwhelmed I am. Struggling, like all mothers, to balance it all. One more straw and the camel's back breaks and it all comes tumbling down. There are no breaks, no sick days, no time to refill the cup. So we keep going. We keep pushing forward, trying our best and not living up to our own expectations. Wearing our shame and self-loathing like a big, red letter.
As I revisited every moment in motherhood that I have fallen short, I realized... every time I lose my patience with my kids I'm trying to do something else: Trying to accomplish something by a certain time. Trying to get the laundry all done and folded. Trying to make sure every meal I place on the table is packed full of adequate nutrition and palatable. Trying to pay bills or impatiently waiting on hold with the insurance company. Trying to force my daughter to excel beyond her age-appropriate abilities. Fighting against the grain.
But, WAIT! What is my main priority? What is it that I get so upset with myself over? Being a good momma to these three AMAZING kids. I get so caught up in trying to make everything perfect, I lose sight of what is most important. So, what if I just let that stuff go? What if I'm OK with having to dig in a basket for a pair of socks? I have to do it anyway… why beat myself up over not having it folded? What if I just quit fighting against the grain and go with the flow. Really, the only thing that will change is my perspective. There will still be a pile of bills to pay and my floors will still be dirty. But, if I place more emphasis on being a better mom than stressing out about what else I haven't accomplished, I might be a lot happier with myself. My kids don't need a perfect mother. They just need ME.
So, I'm going to try it.
We also all sat down today and wrote consequences and rewards on Popsicle sticks and put them in small buckets. Instead of yelling, when the kids aren't listening or fighting, they can go pick out a consequence like, "time out" or "pick up all the toys". Likewise, if they are doing something good, they can pick out a reward, like "get a treat" or "one on one playtime with mom". (An idea I got from this momma's blog: http://www.millionsofmiles.com/2013/11/creative-discipline-our-get-along-jar.html?m=1)
The kids are pretty excited about this new "system" and I'm working on letting go of the things that will always be there… because, I won't feel bad if the house isn't clean (and my kids seem to prefer it that way) but, we'll ALL feel better if I'm putting everything I've got into being Mommy. Because being Mommy isn't just my job. It's my calling. And I'm great at it.
I'm a lousy house-keeper, though!
1 comment:
Amazing, love it, you and those kiddo's. Knowing you, I have to imagine that this is always somewhere in your heart or in your head. We just get hung up sometimes on everything else pulling us in multiple directions, whether that's physically or mentally. We all need reminders of where to place our energy, and where to re-direct our focus when life overwhelms us! We're our own worst critics too. You're love shines through, even when you're yelling, the laundry is overflowing, and you haven't showered in days... just maybe not as bright. Love you!
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