Giving Thanks

As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, it seems we are all taking time to reflect on what we are thankful for. 

The last few days in the hospital, and the week before - waiting to find out why Kai's liver numbers had spiked - have been a jumble of emotions. As I've mentioned in previous posts, it has been an exceptionally long time since Kai has been admitted to the hospital so, spiked liver numbers were the cause of some anxiety. Especially since she really didn't seem to have any symptoms. Was she sick with some discreet virus? In rejection?

We had planned to visit our friends in South Georgia and spend Thanksgiving and the kid's birthdays (Kai and Reef are literally back-to-back; Reef is Nov 27 and Kai is 28) with them. Tickets were purchased, surfing gear was reserved, holiday dinner planned and everyone was excited. 

After Kai's labs were drawn on Wednesday, I received two phone calls from her nurse/coordinator. The first: "Everything looks good! You can go home!" and then immediately after: "The CMV just came back positive. She needs to be admitted right away." 

No vacation... and worse, a hospital stay for Kai. Not to mention the scary implications of CMV for transplant patients. Breathe. Release and readjust expectations. Make the necessary arrangements. Okay.

We were doing alright; Kai was in good spirits. She didn't feel sick and didn't understand why she needed to be here but, she was happy with all the attention and the fact that she got to watch movies and TV and eat JELLO and popsicles. In her mind this seemed to be a pretty even exchange for the discomfort of having her blood drawn and an IV placed and take yucky medicine. She even held pretty still for it and cooperated for the most part. 

Today started out differently. At 4am we woke up to the cries of the other children getting their blood drawn, slowly moving closer and closer to our room. While she had been patient for the last two days, Kai had finally reached her limit with being poked and prodded and the blood draw was difficult. After watching Star Wars on Youtube, she fell back to sleep until it was time to get ready for the PICC line placement. 

I promised her no more "owies". They would sedate her through her IV and place the PICC while she was out and then she would go to endoscopy. While they were pushing the anesthesia through the IV, it blew and started leaking. My promise was in vain. They tried several times to put another IV in without success. A decision had to be made. Keep sticking her for a peripheral IV line or just place the PICC and be done with it. We all agreed that placing the PICC would be best. I was given a gown, surgical cap, gloves and a mask and I held my sweet, screaming baby down and told her how amazing she was while they did what needed to be done. She didn't understand. "But I held so still!" She cried. "Hurry up! Please let me go!" My heart broke and I sobbed in between singing verses of 'You Are My Sunshine'. 

They finally got the line in and gave her some meds to make her sleep. She was singing and laughing before she went out. After all that. My Super Kai. 

She went on to endoscopy and I went to the room, where I sobbed in the shower under the semi-luke warm water that dribbled out of the tap, wondering if I had done the right thing. Would she have flash backs years from now? Would she remember me holding her down while people hurt her? My broken promise?

She returned to the room after the procedure and slept for hours. When she woke up, she was all smiles and sunshine, as if nothing had ever happened. She was so pleased and proud of her PICC line and the fact that it meant there would be no more owies. WOW. Super Kai.

While we have been here, we have received an inconceivable amount of support. Gifts and balloons are piling up in her room. We have received cards, notes on Facebook, text messages, emails, video clips and much much more. Kai loves hearing from each and every person and I read her every comment posted and email sent.

This holiday, I am not begrudging that our vacation was cancelled. Nor am I lamenting that Kai is in the hospital. This holiday I am appreciative that my children are relatively healthy and that Kai WILL be okay. I'm grateful for the outpour of support and love we are receiving. I am humbled and on my knees with gratitude for Kai's sunny disposition, strength and resilience.

I am THANKFUL.