it seems like the last two to three months of my life have been stretched out over a year. i feel as though i am a different person. i feel older.
i was just learning the ropes of mommihood when this all began. i had a perfectly normal baby and i had so many ideas and plans about how i would parent her. organic, all-natural, extended nursing, no plastic or artificial ingredients. i wanted to take her to art galleries and orchestral concerts to expose her developing mind to as much stimulation as possible. mommy and me groups and tumble-tots...
instead, the last two months were spent in a hospital room, on formula fed through a tube in her tiny nose or iv fluids. i haven't nursed in over two months and my milk supply is waning no matter how much i pump. she's not only been exposed to but, wrapped in all kinds of plastics, with their bisphenol-a and phthalates pumping everything from artificial dextrose to someone else's blood through her veins. we can't join mommy and me groups, or go to places with lots of people like concerts because her immune system is suppressed and she cannot fight off infections the way "normal" children her age can...
but, despite all of my disrupted plans, when i look at her, she is STILL a "normal" kid. she smiles and laughs and cries. she has cut her first tooth and is learning to sit up on her own and scoot. she wiggles all the time and shows a preference for toys and colors (blue, purple and hot pink seem to be her favorites). she likes watching tv, though we try to limit tv time, and her favorite show is dora the explorer. we still do everything as naturally as we can despite all of the unnatural things that have happened.
in the beginning of kai's life, before she became ill, she taught me how to love and how to fear. i learned joy like i never knew before. since becoming ill, she has taught me pain like i've never known before, patience, to choose my battles, not to sweat the small stuff and, as a great man once said, "life is what happens when you're making other plans".
i don't regret or wish to exchange anything from this experience. it has been a part of my life with kai and it is a part of who she is: a beautiful, warm and happy little girl whose laughter and smiles are infectious. she is my angel. my life is so much more with her in it. and to think... it's only the beginning...
i was just learning the ropes of mommihood when this all began. i had a perfectly normal baby and i had so many ideas and plans about how i would parent her. organic, all-natural, extended nursing, no plastic or artificial ingredients. i wanted to take her to art galleries and orchestral concerts to expose her developing mind to as much stimulation as possible. mommy and me groups and tumble-tots...
instead, the last two months were spent in a hospital room, on formula fed through a tube in her tiny nose or iv fluids. i haven't nursed in over two months and my milk supply is waning no matter how much i pump. she's not only been exposed to but, wrapped in all kinds of plastics, with their bisphenol-a and phthalates pumping everything from artificial dextrose to someone else's blood through her veins. we can't join mommy and me groups, or go to places with lots of people like concerts because her immune system is suppressed and she cannot fight off infections the way "normal" children her age can...
but, despite all of my disrupted plans, when i look at her, she is STILL a "normal" kid. she smiles and laughs and cries. she has cut her first tooth and is learning to sit up on her own and scoot. she wiggles all the time and shows a preference for toys and colors (blue, purple and hot pink seem to be her favorites). she likes watching tv, though we try to limit tv time, and her favorite show is dora the explorer. we still do everything as naturally as we can despite all of the unnatural things that have happened.
in the beginning of kai's life, before she became ill, she taught me how to love and how to fear. i learned joy like i never knew before. since becoming ill, she has taught me pain like i've never known before, patience, to choose my battles, not to sweat the small stuff and, as a great man once said, "life is what happens when you're making other plans".
i don't regret or wish to exchange anything from this experience. it has been a part of my life with kai and it is a part of who she is: a beautiful, warm and happy little girl whose laughter and smiles are infectious. she is my angel. my life is so much more with her in it. and to think... it's only the beginning...
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